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Rant on Love Letter's

My opinion on this is not final, but I think I have come to the conclusion that Love Letters are everywhere and anywhere a VERY BAD IDEA.

Why bring up this topic? Well, for numerous reasons, only one of which I will mention: someone just sent me one to proofread. The following is a fragment of the letter followed by comments and improvements by me

"You met her a few months ago, and somehow she managed to seep into your subconscious like that "Suga how you get so fly" song. Just like you have no clue who the hell sings it, you don't know why she's there. But she is, whether you like it or not."

Festa: alright, this just doesn't get much worse than this. "slip in your subconscious" like a suga what? Huh? Contrast that with something like "I was in the middle before I knew when it began" and you can really see the decline of western civilization taking place.

"She's it. All right, so maybe not "it" it. Not necessarily Ms. Right, but closer to Ms. Right-up-there-with-Anna-Kournikova-and-Lizzie-McGuire-on-your-list-of-people-you'd-give-anything-to-be-stranded-with-on-a-broken-down-elevator. But it's about more than that."

Festa: Good God, what is this kid doing? It's really nice to know that this kid's version of an ideal woman is Anna Kournikova, a hideous tennis player, and a fake mediocre literary figure. Why not just be open and honest? Why not just say what is patently obvious? Instead of comparing someone to dry paint, why not just say "You are the most intelligent, witty, funniest, and beautiful person I have ever met in my entire life. Anyone who disagrees with this doesn't have a pulse"

"She's gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement. More like you're startled every time you see her because you notice something new in a "Where's Waldo" sort of way. More like you can't stop writing third grade run-on sentences because you can't remotely begin to describe something ... someone ... so inherently amazing"

Festa: Ok, this one ain't that bad, it gets the point across, even if it uses a boardgame metaphor. But why the need to resort to third grade run on sentences? Can't one control themselves and do something more constructive: like ranting and calling people stupid when they disagree with you?

"Sure, she's pretty, but it's about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what's going on in that predictable head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years. "

Festa: Half good, half insulting. It's nice to know that this guy isn't the slave to the siren, like many of Odysseuses (sorry for the spelling) companions were. But the idea that that you can predict whats going on inside her head in under five minutes is quite frankly stupid. Personally, I wouldn't go near a person who I could "figure out" in such a short period. Isn't the WHOLE POINT of "connecting" necessitate something more than a glorified fashion model?

"But she has a boyfriend. The kid is a tool, and you are not. He has no redeeming qualities, and you have about 38, even when you're hung over"

Festa: It is a truth universally acknowledged that every smart girl has a stupid boyfriend. What's your point? (hint: that was "ironic")

"Now cut this out, fill in her name, and give it to her, coward"

Festa: Many of us may be cowards (hey, its better than a wimp, right?). But there is one self-evident truth that I can safely claim.

What Festa, that all men are created equal?

No, that I will never ever send anyone I like this 2nd grade clap-trap.